I am tired of making excuses to avoid myself from the situation that I managed to escape 3 years ago..I can't believe its 6 years since I faced my first panic attack in Amritsar.. Gosh.. thought that this is it.. The end of life.. I am going to meet God soon.. but almighty had other plans. He asked me to live and endure this pain. And that day marked the beginning of the worst fear of my life.. The fear that I never knew.. but it existed deep inside me.. The fear of death.. Six years and I am still to come in terms with that dreaded feeling which makes me numb in my feet.

Anxiety attacks followed by depression.. that psychological upheaval of death of someone who was just 2 years elder to me.. very close to me.. Ashish Bhaiya.. my brother's best friend passed away.. and that episode had a lasting impression on my existence. But soon, we left that place for good.. Amritsar became a memory.. after spending 20 years of my life.. and then I went to Palampur to our new dwelling place.. then eventually to Chandigarh for my past graduation. These attacks took a back seat because I found the best associations of my life in those days.. attacks occurred but I had support. People stood by me. They treated me well by making me laugh and showing me the direction to my life.

But the time passed. I came back to mountains.. My hometown surrounded by exotic tea gardens, rhythmic springs and the breathtaking Dhauladhar range. I fell in love with Palampur. But soon the quite atmosphere began to haunt me. Too much silence, as everything was dead after 7 PM in the night. And what one could hear was howling of dogs, vixens and buzz of the nocturnal insects. Initially,It seemed pleasant and refreshing. But soon, it began the bring out the dead attacks. The haunting ambiance of the night conjured up the attacks deep from my brain like a necromancer and started taking a toll of my happiness. It started at around 7 PM every day till night. I used to be wide awake whole night and soon the they left with the first ray of the morning sun and went away as if they were never there. Soon it began a process. I used to gather myself everyday from the dead and they came back every night. I cried.. told my parents who had to knock at the closed gates of the doctor's clinic but all in vain. The hill doctors were ignorant and could not do much about it. By this time I had lost all hope fearing that I will go mad by the feeling of dying every night and still waking up every morning. I used to feel as if I will start screaming on the top of my voice like an idiot and then tremble, then thought that my heart was beating low and my breath was about to stop.. to much fear... So much that I thought that this is the death. But I was saved every night. My parents started treating me like a disturbed kid and starting ignoring my feeling. It was all the more terrifying.

And then my wedding bells started ringing. But Hindu wedding ceremony is during the night and my worst fears again stood in front of me. What if those attacks made me act weird in front of the whole wedding pageantry where I was supposed to be on the centrestage? I took refuge in meditation and in Mahavatar babaji's ashram which was near to our place. I told him to give me strength to endure my anxiety attacks on that night. Lo and Behold, I controlled it and to my relief, wedding was solemnized peacefully.

I tried to curb these attacks after my wedding at my in-Laws place. But the condition did not change much. And then I came to Delhi. Only me and my husband, I started working. The attacks were there but I knew that in will forget them in the hullabaloo of this metropolitan city. Besides, I knew that even if they are extreme, nobody will be able to see me go mad in the dead of the night. My husband would come home late and I could curb them either by avoiding or succumbing to it.

One thing that I understood was that after relocating a metro the panic attacks have decreased in their intensity and they have become more of a part of my existence and I have learned to live with them. However, mountains and the silence still haunts me whenever I am back at my in-laws place. So, I am escaping the attacks by spending a short span of time and coming back.

This time, I am in a catch 22 situation, 20 days in Himachal.. Man I am terrified.. How am I supposed to avoid it? nobody understand my problem, but they are standing with their set of expectation. My parents, his parents.. Gosh.. and I am terrified. I am having getting sleepless nights.. what should I do? how should it be tackled? God please help out come out of it.. I am happy to come with my husband, but without him and a small infant in my arms.. What will I do? Take care of child, me or the situation??

But nobody understands my problem.. But they complain that I don't like being with them.. what should be done..?? Gosh. how should I tackle the situation...